I've never blogged. I've always wanted to write a book but I think I probably suck at writing since I was terrible at English in high school. I have so many thoughts that I would love to get out there and feel I may be able to grow by writing about them. So dear reader if you choose to read my blatherings then please bear with me.
I'm not sure how far along my life to consider the beginning, but this story starts with a girl who grew up in an affluent town in Ontario without religion or any consideration of it. At times I was definitely atheist and at others considered myself to be only agnostic. I then "found" God, Jesus and Christianity about 10 years ago (I'll save how for another story) when I was around 30 years old, got baptized, found a good church wherever I've lived, attended regularly, volunteered in the children's Sunday schools, raised my kids with Christian faith and basically tried to live by good Godly principles ever since. I've had a good life too and feel that God has helped me all along the way. My mom is not a believer and my dad is, but never thought to mention it to me until I was 34 years old. So yeah, not sure how to classify that type of believing.
Now here I am just less than a year ago thinking myself a good Christian when the nice Jehovah Witness lady that has visited me every month for 6 or 7 months asks if I'd like to do a bible study with her. I had just made it one of my New Years Resolutions to find and join a bible study somewhere and thought what the heck. It helped that she was willing to come to my house every week and that I didn't have to spend more than an hour at it and that the ones I knew of at my church were not at convenient times for me. Also I had been becoming intrigued by some of the obvious differences in the JW beliefs in the magazines she was leaving me.
Now I'm not entirely sure how to continue here, but over the past (almost) year of this bible study I have learned so much. The study is incredible and straight from the bible. In fact it is based on the bible and nothing else. There are no rosary's, confessions and Mary worship. I have since pulled my child from Catholic school which I had put her in only because I thought Catholic religion in school was better than no religion. Also within the JW church, incidentally, there is no forced tithing because that was old testament and the new testament doesn't require that. The authenticity of the bible and it's writings is thoroughly explored. The prophesies and their fulfillment's are laid out and dated and are just incredible, dare I say miraculous, to learn about in this manner. There are things I always had trouble believing from my church teachings and low and behold the Witnesses have different and easy to believe explanations always accompanied with two or more scripture references to back up their teachings. They believe that anything we are meant to learn in the bible is always mentioned in more than one location.
I believe my church definitely has a lot of things wrong... alot of things. I want to be someone who follows Jehovah and is worthy of his saving. I am also mad at him and I am discovering actually a little scared of these feelings... and of writing of them. I feel lost. I am not sure my old church is good for me any longer but I am currently sure that the Jehovah Witness church is not right for me. I would not be allowed to be baptized there yet. I love many things about their church and their teachings. I am a de-clutter-er at heart and love that there is nothing extra in their religion. If it says to do something or behave someway in the bible then that is what were are to do. BUT I could not belong yet because of a a few of their stricter rules. A very big struggle for me is the strict view of same sex relations. As a side note I am not gay and never have been, but have we all not seen those people who right from very young ages it was obvious they had more of the other sex in them? In some research I did personally online tonight I learned that there are groups and classes/workshops etc. for people to fight their same sex desires often in the name of Jesus Christ. Money is spent. Time is spent. In one case I read, someone spent 17 years fighting it, praying about it, in depression and self loathing only to decide that he was no longer going to be an ex-gay. How could Jehovah really want this for a person? If I can't accept this, can I accept everything else?
So this is where I am. I am about to start the second bible study workbook with my friendly JW and whoever she finds to join us. She knows my frustrations as I am not quiet about them. I pray that I find the truth and comfort in it. I hope to get somewhere where I am more certain that I am doing the right thing. For now I am still seeking.
